Naming Lessons
by hautecontre
Summary: Blam discovers naming a child can be hard work.


"What about . . ."

"No, Sam."

"But, dude, I didn't even say anything!"

"Do you want me to guess?"

"Sure, but there's no way . . ."

"It's Neytiri, isn't it?"

"Dammit, bro. How did you know?"

"Because you've already tried every other female character from Avatar. She's the only one left. Fact."

"Dude, don't mock me."

"When you start coming up with better ideas, I'll stop mocking you."

"I don't see what's wrong with my suggestions."

"Seriously, Sam?"

"They're all awesome."

"Okay, let's try a little experiment here."

"What kind of experiment?"

"First, close your eyes."

"Alright. Now is this the part where I picture you doing me?"

"No, Sam! Focus!"

"Okay, okay, bro. What do you want me to do?"

"Imagine you and me talking to Kurt and Rachel, telling them about the awesome name we've come up with for our soon-to-be born daughter."

"And then?"

"Now, you know their first response is going to be 'That's an unusual name.'"

"Well, sure. It's not like you're going to find 'Neytiri' or 'Mo'at' in a list of most common baby names or anything like that. Fact."

"Fair enough, Sam. But now they ask 'Where did you get idea from?'"

"So we just tell them. Dude, what's the big deal?"

"Hold on a minute, Sam. You are about to tell Kurt and Rachel that their daughter is going to be named after a nine-foot-tall blue alien. Just picture their response. I'll give you a minute."

"It would be the end of Nightbird and Blond Chameleon, wouldn't it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Point taken, bro. Back to the drawing board."

"I knew you'd see things my way eventually."

"Doesn't mean it's not an awesome name."

* * *

"Hey, Sam. What do you think about Elsa or Belle."

"Dude, red alert! Abort! Abort!"

"What's wrong with those names? They're both classic Disney characters, and they're actually self-empowered and not just waiting for a man to rescue them from their crises."

"There's nothing wrong with those names right now. But you need to think about the future."

"You mean that she's going to get bullied for having a name like Elsa or Belle?"

"No, no, she'll be fine. It's us I'm worried about."

"Us? You think Kurt and Rachel will be mad?"

"Oh, no, they'd love it."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Dude. Don't you know about the 'Princess' phase?"

"What on Earth are you talking about, Sam? And why do I feel like I can hear a capital 'P' in Princess?"

"Because you totally can, dude. That's how you know big a deal The Princess phase! It's the period in every young girl's life when she dreams about being a princess. You know-when she wants to wear tiaras to school and boss everybody around. And then she'll want to watch Disney movies every single day, and go to Disney World for every vacation, and . . ."

"Sam, slow down! Breathe!"

"Sorry, bro. Where was I? Oh, yeah. So, the Princess phase is a universal phenomenon. Fact."

"But if it's universal, what's the big deal?"

"Well, first off, the Princess phase can last for years. I'm not even sure Stacey's out of her phase yet?"

"What are you kidding me? She's what, thirteen?"

"Once it grips you, it just starts spreading like crazy-almost like, what do you call those Asian weeds that grow over everything?"

"You mean kudzu?"

"Yeah, totally. Once it gets a hold on your kid, there's nothing you can do until she grows out of it on her own."

"Still not seeing a problem here, Sam."

"Really, bro? What do you think is going to happen when you name her after a Disney princess, huh? So now she's self-identifying with them. How much deeper do you think the Princess phase will take root in young Else or Belle? And just how many times do you think we'll be able to sing 'Let It Go' or 'Be Our Guest' before we go freaking insane?"

"Years? Are you sure?"

"Years, man. I've seen it happen."

"OK, then. No Disney princesses. Scratch that, no princesses, period."

"Dude, we just dodged a huge bullet there."

"Thanks for warning me."

"That's what a bro's for."

"But we still don't have an idea for a name."

"Dangit."

* * *

"What about Sarah Jane or Clara?"

"I tried those already."

"What did Kurt think?"

"Remember when you came over and I was sleeping on the couch?"

"Yeah. . . ."

"Well, that's when I told Kurt."

"Ouch."

* * *

"So we're in agreement that Arwen is out, right?"

"Totally. She just spends the whole trilogy sitting around knitting while waiting for her future husband to establish himself. Not exactly a life lesson I want to teach my daughter."

"What about Galadriel?"

"Much better, but I'm still having nightmares about the Princess phase. Thanks for that, by the way."

"You're welcome, dude. But what about Eowyn? She's totally the baddest boss in the whole series. Fact!"

"Oh, no doubt about it. 'I am no man!' Still one of the awesomest movie moments ever."

"But you're more worried about the wrath of Kurt, aren't you?"

"Does Eowyn Anderson-Hummel sound like the kind of name Kurt would approve of?"

"It sounds like the kind of name that will get you vaporized by his killer death glare."

"And I would rather not spend the rest of my life dead after being murdered by Kurt. And if I'm dead, you know what I'd do next, right?"

"Yeah, bro. You'd spend it hunting me down. And then we could totally haunt Rachel and Kurt. Or maybe Coach Sylvester."

"I'm not sure ghosts can get credentials to stalk the Naval Observatory."

"Navy? What, dude? We're not reenacting 'YMCA,' we're going after Coach Sylvester!"

"That's where she lives now, Sam. But that's not the point. I don't want to be murdered at all. And we need to come up with an idea soon. Rachel's due any day now."

"Whoa. Already, dude?"

"Yep. The doctor's said it could be almost any time now."

"That's so cool, dude. You're totally going to be the best dad ever. Fact."

"Yeah, it's exciting, and a bit scary, too."

"Kinda like Cate Blanchett in that Elizabeth movie, right?"

"Sam, you're a genius?"

"Wait, what? What did I say, bro?"

"You just gave me the solution to our problem. We can't name my daughter Eowyn or Galadriel, right?"

"No ghosts, remember?"

"Well, what if we're a bit more subtle about it. We'll know what we're doing, but so long as Rachel and Kurt don't figure it out. . . ."

"Dude, that's awesome."

"Hold on, Sam. I just got a text from Kurt."

"What's it say?"

"Remember when I said 'any time now?'"

"Yeah."

"Well, 'any time' is right now."

"Dude. I'll be at the hospital in an hour. Good luck!"

* * *

"So, Sam, say hi to Miranda Cate Anderson-Hummel."

"Look at her. She's amazing."

"Isn't she?"

"And Rachel and Kurt have no idea where you got the name from."

"If they do, they aren't saying anything."

"High five, bro!"


End file.
